Do you know how much life force it takes to EXPLAIN yourself because you feel like you OWE someone something?
There it is; another example of you OWING something to someone or to life in order to be you and to exist.
Why are you so quick to believe this to be true? Why do you do it? What is YOUR reason?
-Will you be okay if someone dislikes you?
-Will you be okay if someone thinks something incorrect about you?
-Will you be okay if someone is upset with you?
-Do you feel something BAD will happen if any of the above occur?
-Do you feel like your life will be okay?
What will happen if you allow others to think and feel what they do about you, and you PAUSED… …before you explained anything.
Defending and explaining yourself to someone criticizing you is not a conversation. This is vital to understand.
Do not bang your head against the proverbial wall trying to be heard to someone who’s ears are closed to you.
Are you trying to convince them of your worth in hopes they might see you worthy enough to listen to?
If someone isn’t interested or able to have a conversation – boundaries. Boundaries are different than segregation. Boundaries can still be interested in dialogue and connection, (depending on the nature of the interaction,) though largely by you NOT getting lost in the attack defense dynamic with them or whatever psychological coping bubble they are trying to pull you into, that moves you both away from personal authenticity and authentic connection.
You do not need to conform to their energy for the dynamic to shift. You can fortify your own energy field to affect the shift in the dynamic. It can feel tricky at first because if they are expressing strong conviction, it can feel non-verbally very convincing. Your first task is to become aware of this. Energetic enmeshment can easily happen where you confuse your energy with theirs.
Distinguish yourself from the waters they are seducing you to enter into with them. This is the boundary.
You can keep your head above water and by doing so, you give the other the opportunity to do the same. You are not letting the drowning person take you under. It’s okay that you allow yourself to breathe if they can’t fully yet. This is the whole point. You do not have to sacrifice your life force energy, your life breath.
Here is where you can come into contact with empowered feelings of connection, authenticity, and presence.
Here is also where you may come into contact with feelings of fear, loneliness or aloneness.
Some people would rather fight and be in opposition than experience feelings of aloneness. For some, fighting is a way they know how to feel connected to another. If you are not engaging with them in this way in a co-dependent holding each other under, you can let go and stand on the shore of your own self, and feel your wobbly legs gain strength while they thrash in the water. While that visual doesn’t initially look good which is why we try to avoid it, would you rather be thrashing in the waters with them while they grab onto your hair and clothes to bolster themselves up? No.
Each person needs to have the awareness to know they have a shore to stand on, and a desire to stand on that shore with their own two feet, instead of trying to bring someone in the water with them to hold on to.
Your own act of self-respect and authenticity inherently gives them the permission and opportunity to do the same.
This is not about you saving someone, trying to grab their legs and make them stand and walk for them.
This is about you taking responsibility for yourself and giving the responsibility for their emotions back to them, inviting them to stand with you.
If they don’t know another way but you do, you’ll probably have to be the one to interrupt this dynamic first. You can decide under which circumstances you are willing to engage and let them know the boundaries. Boundaries are enough of a separation from the waters of attack and defense either within yourself if you are the one criticizing yourself or if it’s coming from a person, if appropriate and when you are ready.
The next time you notice yourself wanting to explain or defend yourself, pause. See what comes up for you. It’s probably going to have an element of discomfort, but this is the evolutionary edge. A huge part of transformation is standing in yourself even if it’s in the middle of discomfort or in front of it.
It gets better though. It gets easier. It actually gets good:
-Respecting and honouring yourself and the other feels good.
-Feeling confident in yourself to fortify your energy, feels good.
-Not pouring your energy into explaining because you owe someone an explanation, feels good.
-Finally having more energy feels good.
-Being able to fully breathe through your own lungs and not gasping for breath with another, feels good.
-Knowing you can pull yourself out of an unhealthy interaction and choose differently feels good.
-Knowing greater, deeper, more respectful, nourishing ways of communicating feels good.
-Taking care of your energy, body, mind, heart and soul feels good.
With enough space you’ve created from feeling the distinction of yourself/your energy, allocating your responsibility to you and them to theirs, this taps you into an empowered sense of self and gives way to realization of choices of communication available to you, and the opportunity to truly connect emerges on more levels than one.
Because you have connected more with you.
You have reclaimed your energy.
Much love and fortification to you,
*This blog post is meant to be consider in your smaller interpersonal encounters, though it does not encompass all nature of small scale interpersonal interactions or large scale global interactions. This is to begin the conversation within yourself when you find yourself sacrificing yourself to connect with another person, by way of over-explaining and feelings of owing them that make you feel small or less than.*